I have #ADHD … Yes, this is what I am. With the hard life that comes with it! The misunderstood around it, around me. The one on the moon, with a mess in her head. Craving dopamine like a junkie. With the ideas, creativity, intelligence, as a gift. Like a warrior, I never gave up, despite all the pitfalls in my life. I will never give up! This is my story!
My life is a battlefield. From a young age, I felt alone, misunderstood. Trying to make my mark in this world. With grown-up telling me how turbulent I was. How stupid I was, incapable to listen in class. Why was I forced to stay sitting? Quiet? Why was I always punish? Humiliated?
In my young adulthood, I hope for change. A change that never come. I stop looking for a job, thinking that no one will be capable to deal with me. That I am good for nothing. Even how much I try, the effort I made, I always got fired. I realise that most of the time, I got fired the first week. I start Freelance (we will come back to this!).
But why? Why it’s hard for us to keep a job? I will tell you!
The reason is simple, the world is not made for people like me. Workplace even more. Each time I got employed the same scenario happens. They drag me next to a other employee and teach me everything in a day or two.
This is NOT the way my brain work.
The first day, I feel anxious, anxious the same scenario will happen again. Uncertain of what to do, how to act. I will have difficulty to concentrate, feel overwhelmed in a brand new place, with new people! I won’t learn anything technical this day, how hard that I try! My brain just won’t let me!
The second day, I will be more open to learning! I will have a day late, but I will try to make up for it! Write everything that I can, try to do two things at the same time. Take notes, and listen. It feels like a marathon, I am exhausted, I am starting to have a headache. Back at home, I start to feel anxiety coming back at me. I know that tomorrow I will need to work! For Real! Alone! I’m not ready! I Feel unwell, I won’t sleep, imaging the worst scenarios possible.
The third day, I am in front of a computer, I have to work now! The other employee is not too far, I start and realise that I don’t have all the information that I need. I look my notes, I can’t find what I’m searching for! With bravery I will ask my co-worker. She will help me, of course. I will remember this time. I never had a job before, they know. I do my best. I made mistakes. I try again, I will learn!
The forth day, I feel already more comfortable. I have the impression, I do well. I have no feedback. It must say, I’m doing well right? I start to talk to people, my shyness disappeared slowly. I’m doing my very best, I work hard. My brain is full, but I manage. I think I do.
The fifth day, I do my job better than yesterday. I still look at my notes, I still ask questions, when I am not certain I’m doing the right thing. I feel my colleague a bit tired of my questions. I feel that the atmosphere changing. I try to ignore the little voice in my head, the one that tells me that I’m screwed.
No one tells me anything yet. I did not receive any feedback about my work. I would of like that. Fix my mistakes before is too late. It’s so hard for me to not thing about the eventuality of being fired, again! My brain won’t let go! It’s hard to work with that burden!
My intuition was right! At the end of the day I got fired. I’m not a good fit… No real explanation. I’m too anxious to ask anything and leave the place as silently than a thief. Ashamed of myself! Destroying bit by bit the small part of confidence I have left!
To finish, I want to make you understand, that I try. Try to make it work so hard! The employer did not know I had ADHD. It scared me! I always saw it like a liability, something I can’t trust. In these years, it was not a thing to talk about those things publicly. Even more when you try to search for a job! Will it change something if I open up? Will never know!
Freelance and the revelation of my gifts!
As you can imagine, I stop looking for a job. I was done, it was over! I was going to find another solution. I was not bad at doing a website. Not the best but, I was sure I could find some small business to help! It works! I got work! Too much work. I was overloading! How to say no? For once, people needed me! I was essential. Without me, they have no presence on the web! It felt good! I’m not saying it was perfect. I was learning. I was accepting too much contrast, some clients got mad. I try to make up to it. Sometime it works, sometimes not. I’m human. I just wanted to help as much as possible! I did not know how to manage a business. Something it was doing so well, I could relax and other time it was a struggle to find clients! I learn the hard way! I am a warrior. I never stop.
Covid-19 happen. A break for once! Time to think about my future.
After eight years of up and down. I decide to stop accepting as much contrast. Even if I could find more clients. I am tired, I want to try something else. Maybe try to find a job? Will they hire someone like me? Will it be déjà-vu? Will I have a chance? What if I move 5 days away from my birthplace? In English? Am I good enough? I have to leave my fears behind if I wish to go forward, even if it’s not easy!
I want to start brand new in a new city, in Vancouver, in English. In a field, in a business that will understand that I can make a difference. Be my first REAL job. Is it utopic? Am I asking too much? I don’t think so. I deserve to be successful! I deserve to accomplish something good in this life! To live my life, the way I imagine it! I’m not giving up! Don’t give up!
P.S I speak french most of the time. Sorry for the mistakes! I did my best!